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We set up camp and decide to go for a hike, and after making several dad jokes about a tree that looks like a butt, we come to a waterfall — a waterfall that looks hella fun to jump from into the pool below. Of course, Craig is there, and after all the other guests leave, we steal away to a secluded spot in the yard to have more tender moments. They could have made Craig some nerdy, scrawny guy who is dorky as hell and can’t speak English very well. So we’ll happily call Craig Cahn our “Dream Daddy” and scream from the rooftops that he is, indeed, the best dad.*except one. So Craig does the most logical thing possible and STRIPS DOWN TO HIS BOXERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Craig promises us he’ll take more time for himself, asking for our help in finding balance as he lays his head in our lap. Craig laughs and PULLS US IN FOR A KISS, REMINDING US THAT WE DON’T DESERVE THIS PURE SOUL. And while there are plenty of guys that exist out there that fit this description and also happen to be Asian, that’s not a true representation of all Asian men. You’re legitimately impressed, because the guy you once knew — Keg-Stand Craig, who once downed an entire bottle of marinara sauce because he called it a “smoothie” — is a SWOLE AF dad of three, complete with a super cute baby strapped to his chest (you know, for resistance training). So he’s clearly an Asian Adonis and far too pure for this planet. So when he asks us to go with him to watch him coach his daughters’ softball game, we jump at the chance to see Craig Cahn in action. Umm, okay, so he’s a hot ass softball coach single dad who makes incredibly cute kids. Unfortunately, he’s constantly being hit on by all the softball moms.But it gets better: his ol’ college girlfriend-turned-wife, “Smashley”, is no longer in the picture, as they got divorced last year. Janet, Martha, and the rest want his legitimately bangin’ dad bod, and although we really can’t blame them, that dad bod is gonna be ours… But the moms persist, and convince us to all pile up into the car and go to Thirsty’s Pizza to spend a little more time with him.
Maigret author Georges Simenon founded the Amber Room Club to track it down once and for all. You’ve been warned***Oh my God, I feel like I’m a horny 15-year-old rabid fangirl again.